What if I can’t stand my mom?

Updated: Sep 19, 2019


Following “The Gifts My Mama Gave Me” series, I received so many incredible messages from y’all. Messages that really provoked thought and a desire for your hearts to see your own mama and look for the gifts she gave you. And I realized that there are so many daughters that can’t find the gifts because that relationship is tough. Or are having to peel through some layers to get there.


Sometimes we start to plow through dirt, but when pain is involved that dirt becomes mud and we can get stuck there. This post is for you to get through the mud. And begin to see your mother for the beauty that does exist in her.


I think it’s pretty common for daughters to be pretty hard on their moms. And it’s easy to hold them up to a laundry list of wrong doings.

She didn’t do the things that other moms did. She didn’t act the way you wanted her to act. Her heart was messy. Or maybe she stuffed it all to be perfect. She didn’t step up to the plate when you needed her to. Or maybe she overstepped her boundaries. She didn’t let you just be. Maybe you resent her. Maybe she embodies the exact opposite of what you want to be. Maybe that relationship is tense and it feels like walking on eggshells when you spend time together. Maybe you never felt accepted by her. And maybe you never totally accepted her.


But what if I said, that even though she lacked, and even if you're in pain...she did the best that she could.


What if I said that she actually had to climb a mountain to get where she was.


The place that she settled in is the place that you experienced her. And even if it wasn’t healed, she still had to fight to be there.


She gave you what she had. What she was capable of giving at that time. And a mother can only give to her children what she herself possesses.


Children need to be nurtured, provided for, heard, seen, taught, comforted, played with, taught their value, feel like they are good enough, and connected to. They need these from mothers AND fathers.


But if your mom hasn’t received these herself, or known the healing that lays inside those needs, the odds of you getting them is very slim.


You may be reading this thinking that I’m giving bad moms a free pass. I’m just not calling them bad moms. And it’s because underneath all of it, she is just a little girl that didn’t get her needs met either.


So I really want to draw hearts out of judgement, release bitterness, connect to grace, and cultivate empathy inside family culture.


I believe the first step to do this, is forgiveness.

Forgive her for not meeting your needs.

And we need to collectively understand something...love holds no record of wrong. When you forgive someone, it’s only then that you can love them well. Forgiveness is for you. To unburden your heart. To open your heart to receive love and to receive the needs that weren’t met to begin with.


Sometimes when we have our fists clenched, our hearts are so closed off, that even when these things are offered, we can’t receive them. It’s only when we can release the pain, that we can get our needs met in a healthy way.


I really think when we become mothers and walk in judgement of our own mother, we are actually engaging the same cycle with our own children. And we actually have the judgement measured back to us by our own kids.


But when we engage in grace, we have an opportunity for peace in the relationship. We have an opportunity to shift the culture in our families. And you can do this by just acknowledging the mountain that she climbed, and believing that she did the best she could with what she had.


I think we have to actively make a choice to be at peace with that. And learn to love someone even if they weren’t able to fully love us where we needed It.


Which is something that God does everyday.

Try to think of the worst person that you know. That person that has wronged you in the most epic betrayal, or has said the most awful hateful things to you.

And imagine laying down your perfect beautiful child to save them from everything that would settle the score, to save them from what they totally deserve. I mean...what. There is no way. But y’all, that’s the gospel.


God’s language is unfathomable love. Which is why I think He is the one that can shift your heart into the most beautiful place with your mother even in the most valid pain, and unbelievable wounding.


And when your heart shifts, your not just releasing your mother, you’re releasing your children. Your children will know how to extend grace because you have walked it out and shown them.


I think it’s a sign of health in a family when you see generations become better and better. You see mothers provide needs to their children that they actually had to seek out and work hard to possess. Needs that were challenging to give. Needs that they had to learn to give. Sometimes having to engage in the process of unlearning what was modeled. But they made the decision that the heart work was worth the fight and every effort made, to give to those sweet hearts what they need.


It’s one of the most beautiful things to marvel at. Generations becoming more intentional, more involved, and the fruit is in the lives of those children. They get a childhood that is like yours but better. And they will give their children a childhood like theirs but even better.


I want you to see that every step you take towards abundant life, towards health, you are also taking steps for the generations that follow you. Hearts that you may never know. Eyes that you may never gaze into. Hands that you may never hold. But you are passing tremendous gifts onto them. You are inviting them to the table to feast on the goodness of God.


So if you are interested in some homework, and would like to gain back ground in your relationship, I will be emailing an exercise.

If you have subscribed to my blog, this powerful tool will be delivered to your inbox. So subscribe if you haven’t and want this exercise!


It’s also a beautiful start to connect to the heart of God. This exercise is an incredible ministry tool, but I never advise someone to use a tool on someone else that they have not done themselves. So do it first, experience the breakthrough yourself, THEN lead others into the same freedom!


Hope you enjoy it! And I hope you feel inspired to gain some ground back in your life!


You can do it!!


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